The Tao Of Jack Bauer

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• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
• You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
• If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
• Upon hearing that he was played by Keifer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
• Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
• Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
• Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
• Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
• Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
• 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
• Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
• Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
• Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in MiddleEastern men.
• Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
• Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alerted. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
• When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f*cking hates lemonade.
• When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
• Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.
• Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
• Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
• Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f**king do it.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.
• Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
• No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel...
• People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
• Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
• It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
• The real reason the Army ditched the "Army of One"campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.
• Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.
• Jack Bauer doesn't urinate or defecate. He secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals which can be combined to create napalm.
• That cougar that stalked Kim was actually Jack Bauer's pet cat. Jack used his Beastmaster powers to keep an eye on Kim and to keep her in line through fear.
• The only reason terrorists keep attacking LA is so they can meet Jack Bauer.
• The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
• Chase wasn't actually in any danger from that terrorist virus. Jack Bauer just cut off his hand because that's how he warns all of Kim's boyfriends.
• Jack Bauer creates an "airtight perimeter" by yelling at the air and calling it a pussy until it gets its shit together and falls in line.
• Jack Bauer parts LA traffic with his enormous penis. That's why he can reach anywhere in the city in the span of a commercial break.
• The reason CTU's superiors are called "Division" is because Jack Bauer broke their building in half in a fit of rage because they couldn't bring him a sandwich in 24 hours.
• Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.
• CTU stands for Jack F*cking Bauer.
• God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.
• Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.
• Jack Bauer knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
• Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.
• If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
• The reason that it’s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.